Catastrophic or Claustrophobic?
by Imp
Summary: This is very odd but certainly humorous. HP is having a wonderful day... (Unfinished. Something of a spoof of my perception of HP, and a strange plot-bunny.)
1. One: Bye, Nice Day

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# Catastrophic or Claustrophobic?

**_Chapter One_**

By Imp

Author's Note: Another humorous HP story. This, of course is extremely odd; you have been warned. Also, it ain't finished, so if ya want more you'll have to tell me so.

Harry Potter strode across the Hogwart's School Grounds, whistling. He was having – in his opinion – a great day. Everything was going remarkably well; he hadn't seen Draco Malfoy all day; Snape hadn't yelled at him or taken points from Gryffindor in Potions – which surely was a miracle – the Weasley twins had given him a whole bag of pranks and tricks. 

Cho Chang had smiled at him in the Great Hall; McGonnagall had awarded Gryffindor quite a few points because he had answered an immensely hard question right, completely on accident… The list went on, but Harry didn't care to recount every nice or lucky thing that had happened to him.

He sighed as he skirted the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Things hadn't gone this well since, well, they had never been _this_ good…

'_Hmmm…'_ Harry thought. _'Last time things were good I –' _he didn't finish his thought. The last time he had thought everything was perfect a certain very powerful dark wizard had popped up.

Harry had inadvertently closed his eyes as these disturbing thoughts came to him.

"Uh oh… Now I've done it, I've gone and become immensely happy… If I open my eyes I know I'm gonna see – " he gulped. "- Voldie."

He opened his eyes wide – Voldemort wasn't there.

"Phew…" Harry sighed only to hear the distinct sound of someone clearing his throat behind him.

"I was wrong." Harry said blankly.

"You didn't think I'd disappoint you, did you Potter?" an uncomfortably familiar voice said.

Harry turned around to face Lord Voldemort. "Well I was sorta hoping you might be busy." Harry said sadly.

"I'm never too busy to ruin your day." Voldie said and smiled.

"Yeah, that's what I thought…" Harry said, looking at his feet with a disappointed air and rubbing his wand nervously.

Voldemort drew his own wand and smirked.

"I…I guess we're gonna get into a claustrophobic battle now." Harry said unhappily.

"A what?" Voldemort said incredously. 

"A claustrophobic battle." Harry repeated.

"You mean a _CATASTROPHIC_ battle." Voldemort said, his voice stiff with superiority.

"No! Catastrophic means someone who is afraid of little places, like a cave or somethin'."

"No you silly little boy. Catastrophic means, big! Fatal, with giant explosions – and in this case – battle!" Voldemort growled angrily.

"That didn't sound like it came right out of the dictionary." Harry said, eyeing Voldie with distaste and suspicion.

"Well it did – now! Lets get on with the _CATASTROPHIC_ battle." Voldemort replied swiftly and flourished his wand elegantly.

"Alright, the claustrophobic battle." Harry said with and impish grin.

"Idiot! Do you want me to get absolute proof?" Voldie snarled like a lunatic.

"Yes, but you won't find any because you're _wrong!_" Harry said, still grinning.

"We'll see…" Voldemort muttered.

Author's Note2: So, what did you think? Surely you won't be cowardly enough to leave without reviewing? Hehehe, come on, I was kidding… kinda'…


	2. Two: The Meaning of "Crabbe"

Catastrophic or Claustrophobic?

# Chapter Two

By Imp

Author's Note: Wow, you guys liked it. Here is chapter two. Ah, one of you reviewers (I can't remember who) thought that HP was pretending to make a complete jack-ass of himself and that he would suddenly be immensely smart soon – not how it's gonna go. ^_^

(***Last thing that happened**: Voldemort is about to try and get absolute proof that HP is wrong about claustrophobic meaning catastrophic. *)

~~

Lord Voldemort waved his wand and murmured, "Accio, Gershwinner's Complete English Dictionary of – " he stopped as a large book had just flown into view, but before either Harry or Voldie could do anything the book zoomed up and hit poor Voldie in the back of the head.

Harry snorted into his hand, hoping to cover up the obvious fact that he was laughing.

Voldemort rubbed his head ruefully and bent to pick up the dictionary that was lying open on the ground at his feet. "Heeheehee… The Dark Lord can't even do a simple summoning spell without…ack!" Voldie tossed the heavy book into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

"Find the word 'catastrophic'." Voldemort said grimly, trying to rub the back of his without Harry noticing. "And do stop taunting me – immensely bad idea on your part."

Harry flipped through the thick book, grumbling to himself; he finally found something made him begin to laugh hysterically.

"Now what?" Voldemort said, the tone of his voice making it clear that he couldn't care less about what Harry had found, despite his question.

Harry, unfortunately, was completely oblivious to this fact, as he had been laughing too loudly to actually hear Voldie's question let alone decipher its tone. "Crabbe!" he gasped and then fell over atop the book laughing still harder. "Crabbe means…-" he choked on his next uncontrolled burst of laughing. "-Crabbe – sullen, morose…impossibly hard to understand!" 

Harry fell over completely; rolling on top of the dictionary, laughing so hard no sound came from his mouth. "And! And! Peevish!!!" he finally managed to gasp.

Voldemort eyed Harry with an expression of distinct disinterest and annoyance.

Harryt remained absolutely ignorant of Voldie's annoyance and he continued to laugh heartily, pounding his fist into the ground, his eyes shut and tears of merriment streaming down his face. 

Voldemort sneered and shook his head.

Author's Note2: That was a bit short but I hope it was interesting and funny enough for you readers.


	3. The Cause of Insanity in Most Dark Lords...

Catastrophic or Claustrophobic?  
  
By Imp  
  
A/N:.Been a while? Yeah.long time. Sorry to anyone out there who for some reason has actually liked this enough and had a good enough memory to remember it. Ah - short .  
  
~  
  
At long last, Harry's laughter subsided, dwindling to a low gurgle. Voldemort sneered and tapped Harry's head impatiently with the tip of his wand, clearing his throat loudly.  
  
"Wh - what?" Harry gasped, wiping his eyes as he turned, dropping the dictionary carelessly onto Voldemort's badly placed toe.  
  
"Catastrophic?" Voldie said unpleasantly, kicking the huge book off his foot.  
  
"Hm?" Harry queried, looking a bit confused. " No, I'm not afraid of small places!"  
  
Voldemort's sour look betrayed his already well known, quite apparent disdain, and sickening dislike for the scrawny, green-eyed annoyance some people called 'Harry'. He replied in his driest, most flat voice.  
  
"Find the word 'Catastrophic' in the dictionary. You blithering idiot!"  
  
"All right, all right." Harry muttered, flipping confusedly through the heavy volume. Voldemort waited. Harry continued to browse. Voldemort waited. Harry kept flipping pages. Voldemort waited.  
  
"Are you quite finished?" The Dark Lord finally snapped.  
  
Harry frowned and then turned. "What letter does 'Claustrophobic' start with?"  
  
"You're looking up 'Catastrophic'!" Voldie shrieked.  
  
"Yeah." Harry said thoughtfully. "But I didn't know which letter it started with so -"  
  
"Aaaagh!" Voldmort began spasmodically bashing his head into a tree, while Harry watched blankly, his face finally showing some sort of surprise.  
  
"Er - do you know a synonym for 'Claustrophobic?'"  
  
Voldemort only continued bashing his head against the tree, wand clutched in one white-knuckled hand, yelling in random outbursts of anger and exasperation. 


End file.
